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Aides to Senator Edward M Kennedy (D-Mass)
revealed this afternoon. That the titular head of
the Kennedy dynasty is “exploring a number of
intriguing income opportunities” in the wake
of recent public disclosure that the family fortune
is insufficient to provide adequate income for the
aging Democratic statesman to continue living
“in the manner to which he has been accustomed
all his life.”
While no specific financial details regarding
the greatly diminished wealth of the closely knit
clan were revealed, this much is acknowledged by
informed sources:
The scandalously explosive growth in the
descendents of family patriarch Joe Kennedy is
approaching third world proportions resulting in
meager per capita income distributions.
Capital withdrawals for numerous family
members’ legal fees and countless out-of-court
settlements have seriously depleted the corpus of
the fabled fortune.
Unabashedly lavish life styles of many family
members have been sustained by imprudent
withdrawals of capital from the family dower.
By and large, the current Kennedy generation is
unemployable. Reared with an epic sense of
entitlement, most cousins confuse the Kennedy name
for a job skill.
Nevertheless, the éminence grise of
America’s reigning political family seems
determined to take corrective financial matters
into his own hands and perhaps, by example, to
inspire his innumerable nieces and nephews by his
entrepreneurial stewardship.
Heeding the advice of close friends, Kennedy
turned first to what he knows best as possible
avenues of income enhancement. Although initially
tempting, bartending was ruled out “for a
number of reasons,” according to an aide.
In light of his life-long passion for the sea,
Kennedy next pondered a position as a crew member
on one of the many seafaring sailboats berthed in
Hyannisport. Unfortunately, so far, the requisite
trade union license has maddeningly eluded the
Senator.
Despite exhaustive tutoring by some of the
foremost maritime experts on the east coast, the
elder Kennedy regrettably conceded that his
nautical dexterity “just isn’t what it
used to be.”
The most promising opportunity for Senator
Kennedy to augment his relatively paltry net worth
is rumored to be through a proposed joint licensing
agreement with Ragdoll Productions (UK) Ltd.,
creators of the immensely popular children’s
television program, Teletubbies©.
Preliminary plans call for the introduction on
the show of a new character, TubbyTeddy®.
TubbyTeddy will join his English
“cousins,” Tinky, Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa
and Po in “dispensing weekly mirth and
merriment to millions of children.”
Teletubbies conjoins the world of technology and
young children in its imaginative format hailed by
educators and parents alike. A captivating aspect
of the weekly program is when the Teletubbies’
tummies become TV screens that light up and project
pictures of happy children from the real world.
The program producers are particularly excited
that TubbyTeddy’s tummy will light up with a
big screen TV. “He’s fabulous—bigger
even than two normal TV screens,” gushed
executive producer Celeraic
Chetwynn-Healtingham.
An additional cartoon character under
consideration is “Ho”, TubbyTeddy’s
American “girlfriend,” who pays him
surprise late night visits.
Ms. Chetwynn-Healtingham vehemently denied
industry rumors that Teletubbies is entering into a
licensing agreement with Seagram Company, Ltd. to
market “Party Down TubbyTeddy” dolls with
zippered tummy pouches capable of storing up to a
full pint of spirits.
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